September 11

It’s Been a Long Time…

As the title says, it’s been a long time (not that I have any readers that actually care). I’ve been busy with nursing school, writing poetry and my first novel, learning new things and with life in general.

However, this blog is never far from my mind. I constantly compile facts, create rough draft articles, and am in continuous pursuit of inspiration.

With that being said, I am still critiquing my next articles on health and fitness. You can be certain that I will be my ever-judgy self upon my return. I’m scouring blogs, my own gym, and, of course, Instagram for inspiration. I still have a lot to say, and I will be posting here soon.

To my loyal readers– aka my friends that feel obligated to read my meandering thoughts– thank you for humoring me… I’ll return shortly!

June 8

Give Health a Chance

I hate gym culture. I hate fitness culture. I think the current establishment has taken something that is inherently good for us, and morphed it into something off putting and distorted. This is supposed to be something we find challenging, yet enjoyable. A worthwhile endeavor, in which we make continual, long-term progress.

I go to the gym 4-6 days a week. I’m a huge advocate of a healthy lifestyle. It has helped me feel great, and look healthy. It has challenged me and pushed me. It has been rewarding because it is one place where my efforts will be rewarded continually. However, I completely understand why people are appalled by it.

All it takes is a leisurely stroll through Instagram, or your local LA Fitness to understand what the fitness industry has become. Meat head dudes and attention seeking “fit girls” abound. Gym rats are everywhere. They all come with stereotypical quotes and “motivational” personal stories. I think it’s completely pathetic.

Joe Schmoe at the local gym wants to pretend like he’s an “inspiration” to others by posting “transformation Tuesday” photos; when in reality, he’s just some dude with a giant hole inside of him, attempting to receive recognition due to his thinly-veiled attention seeking photos. He sees steroid-using bodybuilders post these kinds of photos, and receive all sorts of respect and admiration. So he emulates them.

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“Fit girls” may be even worse. Slutty “progress” pictures abound. Under normal circumstances, these girls would likely be called out, by friends and family members for posting such pics, but aren’t, in the name of fitness. Anyone who disagrees with them is a “jealous hater”, because, after all, she’s just “showing her gains”. They sell weight loss supplements, skinny tea, and coffee scrubs. They preach on and on about how tough they are, besides being utterly offended by anyone who has the audacity to disagree with them.

If you want to whore yourself out for attention, then by all means, go for it. But don’t call it fitness. Don’t pretend you’re concerned with anyone’s health. You’re still attention and validation seeking. You’re simply using a different mechanism to accomplish it. It’s such a bullshit world, made of paper puppets.

What does any of this have to do with a dating blog? And why did I just talk a bunch of shit about the fitness industry, when the title of my post is “Give Health a Chance”.

First, I believe this topic pertains closely to dating, and personal development in general. Like it or not, in order to attract the most valuable, sought after men, you really do have to look the part. I’m not here to debate this reality. That’s not what this post is about. I’m simply telling you the facts, and you can choose to accept those facts, or not. It makes no difference to me.

Secondly, the reason I said everything I did in the above paragraphs, is to expose the realities of the fitness industry. I want you to see it for what it is. And I want you to know that I’m aware of this weird bodybuilding sub-culture that’s taking the internet, and the local gym by storm. However, I also want you to know that you don’t have to be a part of that in order to have a healthy body and life.

This article serves as an introduction to a series I’m going to be doing about health, in regards to nutrition and exercise. I’m going to address many topics, share tips, books, and websites that have helped me on my journey, try to convince you why this is worthwhile, and maybe share a few rants.

And if nobody ever reads this, that’s okay with me too. I’m just glad to have the words onto paper, so that they can stop burning

May 14

How to be Interesting

Last spring when I was in Mexico, I found myself at a dinner with strangers. The resort I was staying at, in an attempt to have the guests become better acquainted, threw a lavish beach dinner one evening. Everyone filed in, and awkwardly exchanged names and pleasantries. Now, I don’t even pretend to like these sorts of forced social interactions, but I was on vacation, and decided to give it a go.

I had hoped to meet some new people, and have a decent evening. Trust me, I set the bar low in these types of occasions. After sitting in almost complete silence for what seemed like an eternity, but probably was no more than 10 minutes, I realized I had two options—gauge my eyes out with the provided butter knife, or ask for a stiff drink, and liven the party up myself.

As I downed my first drink, I couldn’t help but notice the quiet conversations going on around the table. Each couple were whispering amongst themselves, and occasionally speaking to someone next to them. It was mind-numbing. I had no great expectations, but this was too dull for me to handle.

Just then, something amazing happened. A man walked in, apologized for being late, and sat in the empty seat next to me. He introduced himself, and we exchanged the usual information.

I’m a question asker. I love asking people about themselves, so I began to ask this man questions about his life. To my delight, he responded with quite interesting answers—not the ordinary bullshit people seem to reply with. Dinner came and went. All the other couples had left the table. The wait staff was cleaning up. And we were still talking.

In a period of no more than three hours, David told me how to prepare the perfect salmon dinner. I learned about how he drove a van into Afghanistan as a curious and rebellious young man. He described, in vivid detail, the most terrifying landing he had ever experienced during the 1980s at Heathrow Airport in London. Before the evening was over, I learned David’s opinions about the Australian government, which luxury car brand is superior, and what books would be worth my reading.

When I left, late that night, I couldn’t help to be amazed. Everyone else at that table had a miserable and boring night. But not me. I walked away with a whole new outlook on life and travel, a greater appreciation of my health, and deeply inspired on many levels. David was one of the most interesting people I have ever met. And dammit, I kick myself for not getting at least his email address.

On the surface, we had nothing in common. I was a woman, in my late twenties, from the Midwest. He was a man, in his mid-sixties, who grew up abroad, and had seen the whole world. He was captivating.

I tell you this long winded story in hopes of leaving an impression on you. Who would you rather be? Another basic, dumb bitch who cares about all sorts of meaningless crap? Or David? I know my answer.

I’m not suggesting that every single person must have the same interests as David to be interesting. That would also be boring. What I am suggesting, is that you cultivate your own knowledge and understanding about things that interest you.

This will help you in every area of your life. People who are worth knowing are interesting, and they love interesting people in return. This will help you in your dating life also. The more interests you have, the wider range of people you will be able to relate to. You don’t need to be able to clearly understand String Theory. Just read a book or two about something that interests you.

So many people walk around with nothing in their brains, have nothing interesting to talk about, and in turn, do nothing of consequence. The more information you can fill your brain with, the more interesting you’ll be, and in turn, you will be sought after in every area of your life—not just dating market.

May 9

Loudmouthed Women are Irritating

Truthfully, I dislike nearly all loud mouthed people. It just irks me, and comes off as needy and insecure. However, the only thing worse than a loud mouthed man is a loud mouthed woman. Loud mouthed women are the worst. This isn’t just my opinion. Many men share the same opinion.

I can hear it now, “Why would I change myself to be with a man? How misogynistic! I can be any damn thing I want!” Ok, that’s a totally valid opinion. You can definitely be whoever you want to be. The problem that arises, for me, is that the same loud, attention seeking women claiming they shouldn’t have to change who they are to attract a man, are the same ones who also complain about how they don’t have a man. You have a choice—you can be loud and aggressive and push valuable men away, or you can learn to settle down a little bit to up your chances.

If you want to attract a man, you need to be what a man is attracted to. I’m not saying you need to be a wallflower. Amazing women are not wallflowers—far from it. High value men are not looking for women with no personality. They want a woman who has her own thoughts, opinions, and personality. What they do not want is a brash, loudmouthed, know-it-all chick.

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Case in point, my boyfriend and I were recently at an NBA playoff game. Our seats were fantastic, the game was exciting and the fans were great… except for one particular fan—yep, you guessed it, a loud mouthed woman. This woman was awful. She sounded like a burley dude yelling in my ear, (which would be bad enough). She had a very unpleasant demeanor, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, her basketball IQ sucked.

Now before you jump all over me saying things like, “come on, she’s just a huge sports fan”, “can’t a girl be enthusiastic about sports”, etc., let me just say that I find nothing wrong with either of those things. I happen to like sports, and I love NFL football. In fact, if I really wanted to, I could go toe to toe with some men on NFL knowledge—but I don’t, because I’m not a guy, it doesn’t actually matter, and I have nothing to prove to anyone.

After listening to this woman scream and holler, I’m getting increasingly annoyed. It’s not that I want or expect her to be silent—not at all. But you should be courteous to those around you. I almost said something to my boyfriend, but I didn’t want to be a negative Nancy, and I thought perhaps I was being overly sensitive. A few moments later, he leans in and says to me, “Shit she’s annoying. I couldn’t handle that”.

This is just one example. It is not an isolated incident that occurs only at sporting events. You can observe this behavior everywhere, if you simply pay attention. I see these women at cafes during the day, speaking super loudly on the phone, so that everyone can hear how important she must be. Or at a bar, yelling and dancing on table tops for cheap attention. Or sitting at Starbucks loudly complaining to her friend about how difficult of a life she has.

Don’t be that girl. That girl loses. That girl is passed up by the valuable man that she actually desires. That girl is forced to settle for a giant pussy who doesn’t excite her, but instead placates her because he is terrified of her wrath should he not. Which if that’s what you want, then, by all means, go for it. Continue with your loud, attention seeking behavior. But if you don’t, then quiet down a little bit. Being quiet sometimes makes you more mysterious and challenging. Being loud leaves nothing to the imagination.

 

April 20

Learn a New Skill

If you are looking to expand your dating possibilities, increase your confidence, and broaden your horizons, learning a new skill is the way to go. Pick anything that interests you, and then become proficient at it. It doesn’t matter what you choose. It only matters that you stick with it until you master it. Your skill could be cooking, studying another language, learning to play an instrument, watercolor painting, salsa dancing—literally anything that is both complex, and interests you.

So many people have no actual skills or hobbies. Men are generally better at this than women. A majority of men have at least one interest they actively pursue. On the other hand, women tend to largely do nothing. Their hobbies include celebrity gossip, drama on Instagram, reality TV, and complaining.

I’m really not trying to be mean. I’m only telling you my personal observations, and the opinions the men I’ve spoken with. Don’t get me wrong, I too, mindlessly watch TV and browse Instagram. However, I also am in school, write this blog, work on a (potential) novel, play the piano, go to the gym, read several books each month, and am learning to play the guitar. So if I choose to sit down and zone out watching some House of Cards, I’m not going to feel bad about it.

When you actively push yourself to expand your horizons, many good things follow. I’ve had a boyfriend for quite some time, however, when I was single, I had hobbies. I did not have these hobbies in order to attract a man. I did them to learn and better myself. Nevertheless, a byproduct of this was that I was able to relate to a wider variety of people. This also helped my interactions with men because I was able to have intelligent conversations about meaningful things instead of the activities of the Kardashians.

Furthermore, when you are busy learning and doing you do not have time to complain, and you actually don’t want to. Your world is vibrant and full of interesting things, so the office gossip becomes far less meaningful to you. Complaining becomes a thing of the past because you have so much going on in your life.

Lastly, in addition to all the benefits listed above, when you learn a new skill you will have a surge in self-confidence. It’s only natural to feel more confident when you learn how to do something that you previously could not do. When you succeed in mastering a new skill, you begin to feel like you can do nearly anything you put your mind to. This will not only motivate you in your work life, friendships and relationships, but also, you will begin to seek out more opportunities for personal growth.

So this week, figure out what you want to learn about. Begin to research what you need to do in order to start your pursuit. Then take action. Don’t just read about it. Actively engage in it. If you can learn how to contour on YouTube, I know you can learn the Waltz. The more you learn, the better you will feel, and in turn, the better the people you will attract into your life. You won’t regret it.

April 20

Stop Taking Selfies

I truly cannot believe I even have to write a post entitled “Stop Taking Selfies”, but such is the time in which we live. I do not have Facebook, Twitter, SnapChat, or MySpace (who does?), but I do have Instagram and Pinterest. Fortunately, Pinterest is really a magnet for middle aged women, and also those going through significant life events—weddings, births, purchasing a new home, birthday parties, and other milestones.

Pinterest isn’t the ideal place to flaunt your attention seeking behavior, so there isn’t much of that. However, Instagram is nothing but attention seeking. Every day, I log in, and am astonished to see all the unabashed cries for attention. On Instagram, (in case you’ve recently crawled out from under a rock), the currency of attention is “likes” and comments, and the way you gain this coinage is seeking attention—namely using selfies.

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So. Many. Selfies. My friends take selfies, my family members take selfies, damn near every girl on my friends list (EVEN THE SMART ONES) take selfies, and even I am ashamed to say, I have taken selfies. So what’s behind these selfies?

Personal story time. I have never been the type of girl to post daily selfies (or weekly, or even bi-weekly), but, at the time, I was guilty of posting the occasional self-portrait. So the guy I was dating at the time asked me, “why do you take selfies?” I was kind of taken aback. Why would he ask me that? Does it even matter? And what business was it of his? (Side note- whenever you take offense at the mere asking of a question, you should definitely take notice, and do some internal investigating.)

Anyways, I responded with a brash, “I don’t know, because I do”—insert a slight “mind your own damn business” tone in my voice, and you have a perfect idea of how the conversation went. He replies, “well isn’t it for attention?” Again, I take offense. “Dude no. It’s not that at all. You know me. I’m not the loud chick at the bar. I don’t drunkenly dance on tabletops in my bra. Shit, I hate attention. I hate being the person stared at. I can be so awkward. And I would absolutely die if I had to flaunt my scantily clad body in public. So no, attention would not be it.” He responded, “well why then?”

And here’s where something brilliant happened. I learned something from a douchebag. (Seriously, he was a huge douchebag, which is another story for a different day.) Regardless of how rarely I took selfies, and despite the fact that I didn’t think I was— I was indeed posting selfies for attention. Which goes to show, you can learn something from everyone, even though they might be douchebags.

What other reason is there for posting a selfie? I’ll tell you my own reasoning. “Wow, I’m looking damn fine today. My makeup is on point, and I feel confident. I’ll post a selfie for validation of my own feelings.” Another reason, (that I’m quite embarrassed to admit), is “Oh that bitch thinks she can one up me, and try to steal my douchebag, but hot boyfriend. Let’s see how she feels about this. I’m looking way better than I normally do. I know I’m a 7.5, but she doesn’t. Today, in this lighting, I’m a 9. I hope this makes her feel really inferior for even thinking about stealing my dude.” I know—I’m ashamed to admit that, and now you see why.

My point is, there are numerous reasons to take selfies, but all of them involve seeking attention of some kind or another. Today, I am proudly, selfie free. I have not posted a selfie to social media in over a year and a half. The world has not crumbled. I have not lost any “self-esteem”—in fact, I’ve gained some. Today, the only selfies I take are for my boyfriend if he is traveling or I’m unable to see him for one reason or another.

Since stopping selfies, I’ve had some interesting things occur. For starters, when I was online dating, and men would ask to friend me on Facebook, I’d tell them I didn’t have one—which shocked them, and I highly recommend you delete yours too, but more on that later. Then, I’d say I had Instagram, and they could follow me on there. If they did follow me, they would frequently comment about how they loved that I wasn’t an attention seeker, or how it’s refreshing to meet someone who actually makes interesting posts. Probably the biggest compliment I’ve received on that front was from the guy I’m with. He said, “You know I think it’s sexy as hell that you feel awkward getting attention. It’s refreshing. I love knocking hot chicks off their pedestal. The sexiest thing in the word is a beautiful woman who doesn’t know she’s really beautiful”.

In today’s dating market it can be difficult to distinguish yourself from your competition. An excellent way to accomplish this is by being different than your competition. Being different makes you stand out from the crowd. Don’t be that bitch who posts a selfie with a stupid motivational quote below it—it’s easy and contrived. Don’t be that girl. It will pay off.
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April 20

He’s Just Not That Into You

You meet a guy. Everything seems to be going alright. You really like him, and you’re beginning to imagine a future with him in it. Then all of the sudden, things don’t seem to be progressing. He’s not calling anymore. Your texts go unanswered, and he just seems to be generally aloof. You ask him about this uncharacteristic behavior, and he swears he is just busy at work, and has a lot on his mind.

So you escalate. You begin to check in more often. You try cooking him a special meal. The harder you try, the more distant he seems. I’ve seen this situation play out many times— with my friends, family members, and random acquaintances. It always ends the same way, (and here’s a hint—it doesn’t end well).

This is one post I’ve wanted to write for a while. First, I must say, this isn’t something I will ever fully understand, so it is difficult for me to put myself in someone else’s shoes here. However, I believe this is a real problem, so I’m going to do my best to address it.

I was fortunate to have a fantastic father who spit the truth as far as men were concerned. He taught me some cold, hard facts about men, and the world in general. As I transitioned into adulthood, I was astonished at the behavior of the women I encountered. Don’t misunderstand me—I wasn’t some enlightened, genius that sailed through early adulthood. Quite the opposite, I was still a stupid, know it all college kid who knew basically nothing about life or the world. However, what I did have was a valuable insight into a man’s mind.

I saw my friends repeat the same pattern time after time, with guy after guy, and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. How does this chick not realize that this dude she’s chasing is just not that into her? I thought this pattern would change as my friends and I grew older. But, it did not.

I am now 28, and it’s safe to say that this is still the usual behavior for women in my social circle. What I didn’t realize when I was younger is that not all women were fortunate enough to have a dad like mine, or my analytical personality in general.

When I would complain about men to my father, he would hit me with the truth, really quick; “Oh he isn’t texting you back? That’s because he doesn’t want to. If a man wants you in his life, he will make it clear. You should just forget about him, and move on”. Even women who have positive relationships with their father, do not have the same insight that my dad gave me.

So with this article, I hope to give women some insight into a man’s mind, and some applicable advice on how to handle the beginning stages of a relationship, (and also how to deal with what’s commonly known as “the slow fade”)

1. When you begin dating a man, TAKE IT SLOW. There is really no urgency, no need to rush things. Let the relationship develop naturally. I know, as a woman, we are heavily driven by emotions, and that is natural—just make sure to keep them in check. By taking it slow, you accomplish several things. First, you weed out men that aren’t really into you. No dude who is not into you, is going to hang around for any extended period of time. Secondly, you establish that you are a woman worthy of respect. You are teaching the man that you are not desperate for attention, nor do you need him to complete your life. You are showing him you are a vivacious woman with a healthy balance in her life.

Lastly, by taking things slowly, you are laying a good foundation for the relationship, should it progress. I know it’s appealing to have a passionate, fast paced fling, but how often do those type of relationships actually work out? Typically, the more quickly things progress, the more bitterly they end. From personal experience, the best relationships are the ones that are allowed room to slowly grow. It protects you from a lot of potential heartache, but it takes patience. I can tell you that this is the way to go

2.  When a man is truly into you, he will invest in you and your life. There will be no need to chase him down, and figure out what he’s been up to if he truly likes you. He will not suddenly be “busy with work”. Of course, sometimes a man is legitimately busy at work. If this really is the case, however, he will make it clear to you that you are still on his mind. He will not simply disappear from your life.

Additionally, a man who is interested in you, will ask you questions about your life. He cares enough to get to know you. If you have a bad day, he will ask you about it, and try to fix it. Fixing things is in a man’s nature. That is one way they feel useful. When you tell a man who is uninterested in you that you had a rough day, the response will be surface level, something like, “oh that sucks, sorry”. In contrast, a man who is invested in you will say he’s sorry, and inquire about what happened, and ask if there’s anything he can do. It’s in his nature.

3. The faster, and more intensely a man pushes for sex, the less interested he is in your long term relationship potential. This can be a tough one. Every emotionally and physically healthy man is going to want to have sex with you at some point. It’s normal and natural. However, a man who sees you as long term potential is going to take some time to get to know you. Yes, he may try to escalate. Remember, that’s natural. In contrast with a man who is not interested in you for the long term, the man who truly likes you will care about your sexual comfortability. He will wait until you are ready to take that next step. I don’t have a specific timeline for you here. I can’t tell you, “hey if you wait 2 weeks to have sex with him, you’re safe”. There is no specific set period of time. You’ll have to use your intuition.

By the same token, you can’t just put off sex forever. A large part of your value to a man comes from your ability to sexually connect with him. If he is going to commit to you long term, he needs to know that you are comfortable with sexuality, and that you will fulfill his sexual needs, should things progress.(Side note: I know a lot of women feel uncomfortable, or even angry, that a large part of their value to a man is their sexuality. But that’s the truth. I didn’t make the rules. Biology did. I am simply the messenger. Think about it. When a man promises to care for you forever via marriage, he is giving you all of his financial and emotional resources in exchange for regular sexual intimacy and perhaps children. I know its slightly more complex than that, but the point remains; upon marriage, you are your husband’s only socially acceptable outlet for sex. Therefore, it is your job to provide him with regular sex. Sex is akin to your emotional needs. How would you feel should your husband start refusing to talk with you and be emotionally intimate? You wouldn’t like it, and rightfully so. Remember that sex is the same kind of need for him.)

I think this is the most difficult idea on the list. On one hand, it’s totally normal and appropriate for a man to want to have sex with you—it would be very weird if he didn’t, and quite possibly indicitave of a deeper issue. However, if he pushes hard for sex very quickly, without care for your comfortability, you can be pretty sure that sex is what he’s most interested in.

There are obviously a whole host of other signs that things are not going in a positive direction. Your intuition is meant to serve as a guide to help you know when something is awry. If something feels wrong to you, it usually is. Do not ignore your gut. Sometimes learning the truth is painful, but it is far better to see the truth early on, than to discover it once you are completely invested in the relationship.

April 20

Don’t Be a Complainer

I worked customer service at a large chain supermarket from the time I was 15 until I was 23. The unfortunate thing about working at a grocery store is that you must learn to deal with all types of people. The entire population has to grocery shop, so I got a lot of experience with a large demographic of people. Over this time, I learned certain truths about society. (I also firmly believe that every person should work customer service at some point in their life just to learn about interpersonal relationship dynamics with people who are different than you.)

One of the many things I observed during this time is that women are complainers. Yes, I know that may sting. You may not like it. However, I address these tough topics for the purposes of bettering myself, and helping others become better. Additionally, if that statement offends you, perhaps you should look inside yourself, because generally, people are not offended by statements that do not apply to them.

Anyways. It was my personal experience that women love complaining. The vast majority of ridiculous complaints came from women—like I’m talking an upwards of 75%. While men did occasionally complain, they complained in an effort to solve the problem. Women have no interest in actually solving a problem—they just like to whine.

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Here’s a real life example: I’m working one day, when a woman comes storming up to the service desk, quite obviously perturbed. Also, keep in mind, I’m 17 years old—I’m not in any sort of a managerial position. As she’s walking up, I’m certain, judging by the look on her face, that she had an unpleasant experience with a particularly grumpy cashier, to which I would have been sympathetic.

To my surprise, she is pissed off that we are out of a very obscure brand of canned tomatoes. On an anger scale of 1-10, she’s hovering around a 7, which I personally found to be completely ridiculous. I calmly explain to her that it’s likely that we discontinued that item due to it not selling. I then offer to fill out a product request form. I explain how the process works—you fill out a request form, state how much you’d like, and when you’d like it available. Then a manager will sign off on it, and it will come in on a truck the following week.

She was still furious. She kept saying things like, “Well what a huge hassle that is”, and “that doesn’t help me now does it? How am I supposed to get those tomatoes today?” She’s telling all of this to a 17-year-old who is actually trying to help her, but she was not interested in solutions. She was only interested in complaining for the sake of complaining. She wasn’t trying to find a solution for her problem. She just wanted to bitch. I did resist my urge to say, “You know you sound like a super ungrateful bitch. You also sound extraordinarily high maintenance and unaware. People are dying all over the world from starvation, and you’ve decided it would be a valid use of time to hassle a teenager about canned tomatoes.” But I didn’t. Maybe I should have.

I know this is only one specific example, but I could give you 25 more exactly like it. Since leaving customer service behind, I still witness this almost daily.

I’m not sure why women like to complain so much. I do understand that sometimes you need to just vent about your day. And that’s ok, so long as it is not a common occurrence, and is to someone you personally know. Don’t complain to the clerk at the drugstore. They don’t care, and they only asked you about your day because it’s polite. It is polite for you to respond by saying, “I’m doing fine thanks, how are you?” It is not your opportunity to unload all the details about your shitty day to the person behind the counter. It’s impolite to complain to strangers.

Complaining is not a good use of time. It isn’t productive. When women complain, they just complain for the sake of complaining and “feeling validated”. When men complain, they ordinarily do so as a means to solve a problem. For example, when my boyfriend complains about how I left the bathroom in disarray, he is bringing it up so that we can identify the problem, and create a plan so that the problem does not keep occurring.

In closing, everybody hates a complainer. Don’t be a complainer. Complainers are everywhere. I guarantee that if you do not complain, you will differentiate yourself from a huge amount of women. You will be a breath of fresh air. People who don’t complain are rare. Be one of them. Your future husband and children will be thankful.

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April 20

Nobody Likes a Victim

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In high school, I had a teacher that I didn’t quite care for. However, as it goes, this teacher had a piece of valuable information to teach me. I was the only girl in an advanced math class. The boys would harass me; as high school boys do. Not anything serious or aggressive, they were just being teenage boys. They would hide my calculator, take my pencils, and move my stuff around. I’ve always been easy going, and generally good natured, so I just went along with it for a while. (I also had long before adopted a way of dealing with teasing— if you ignore the teasing long enough, it will become boring for the person teasing you. Thanks for the relentless teasing Dad.)

Well, I finally had enough one day, and decided to tell the teacher. I was really whiny about it, and told her what had been happening. I even protested to her, “aren’t you going to do something? I’m the only girl!” (in a whiny, dramatic teenage girl voice). To my shock, she looked up from her desk and said “Well, don’t let them do that. It’s your responsibility. Nobody likes a victim—remember that”.

I learned a valuable lesson that day, and one that I have carried with me throughout my life. Sure, the teacher probably should have made them give me my stuff back, but nevertheless I learned a truth through her that I may not have learned otherwise.

This lesson can be applied to your romantic life as well, and I’ve often applied it in my own. Certainly you’ve heard the quote that goes something like, “dating is really scary. Either you’re going to break up, or you’re going to get married”. That’s pretty true. You’re risking opening your heart up to strangers who can hurt you deeply, based on the chance of finding a good person with whom you can share your life. Dating is one hell of a gamble.

If you date long enough, you will have your heart broken. You will likely be cheated on and betrayed. You will deal with broken trust, and maybe other horrible things. However, you chose to play the game. All you can do is try your best to weed out the assholes. The rest is up to the person in whom you put your trust. That’s precisely what trust is—being vulnerable to someone even though they could break your heart. Sometimes this goes well, and other times it ends in heartache.

When your heart gets broken, something strange happens. People fall into two camps. The first, and most common, thing to happen is to box up your heart, build your walls, and make yourself impenetrable. You will tell future dates that you “have trust issues”, or “don’t let people in easily”. I’ve heard it time after time. And truthfully it’s not sexy at all. It doesn’t make you dark and mysterious, as you think it does. In reality is makes you boring and ordinary.

Let me tell you a secret. Most every adult on the planet has had their heart broken. It happens. It sucks, but it totally happens to everyone. You are not unique in the fact that you trusted someone, and they let you down. Everyone has “trust issues”. It’s human to have “trust issues”, but it’s also kind of given. I assume that every man I date has had someone hurt him.

I hear so many of my friends talk about their “trust issues”—and I call them on it because it’s bullshit. I hear them tell the men they date, “oh you’ll have to be patient. I’ve been hurt”. Fuck that. That’s boring and easy. It’s easy to build walls. It’s easy to shut people out. It’s easy to make yourself hard.

I’m not minimizing your pain. I’ve been through it myself. I’ve been the chick with “trust issues”. I thought it was attractive, but it wasn’t. I thought I was different than other girls, but I wasn’t. Until I adopted a non-victim mentality, I continued reaping the same stupid, dead end relationships

Staying soft is the real feat. Being open, gentle, feminine, and vulnerable is real beauty. Remaining soft after heartache is tremendously difficult, but it is also a breath of fresh air. It’s amazing to meet someone who has the courage to truly open themselves and love.

Do you know how many girls tell man on the first date, “we have to take it slow, I’ve been hurt”, or something to that affect? Most every chick he’s been on a date with. It’s nothing special. It’s ordinary, and comes across and whining. It’s so refreshing to meet someone who takes responsibility for her own life and happiness. That will make you special. That will make you stand out from the crowd.

Stop whining about how things didn’t go your way, or that you were hurt. Of course, if something truly tragic happened in your life, there is definitely a time and a place to share that. If you lost your entire family in a terrible car accident, sharing that does not constitute as whining. What I’m referring to here is sharing with your date that your ex-boyfriend was a douchebag. That is not pertinent whatsoever.

Think about it—which person would you rather spend time with? A person who complains and whines about previous problems and heartbreak? Or someone who owns up to his choices and their consequences? I know who I would rather spend time with. It’s fairly obvious.

April 20

The “Friends with Benefits” Trap

Ahhh, the friends with benefits pseudo relationship. It has become a staple of the modern day dating marketplace. You’d be hard pressed to find someone who has not, at one point, participated in this type of relationship. I’m not writing this article to discuss the morality of such arrangements—that has literally nothing to do with me, and is none of my business. What I do want to discuss is how men view these relationships, compared to how women view them, and if this is a beneficial activity to engage in.

First, how is a “friends with benefits”, (or FWB), defined? A FWB relationship is one in which two parties agree to engage in a consensual, sexual relationship, without any form on commitment. The key terms here are sex, and lack of commitment. You may go to the movies, get a bite to eat, hang out and watch Netflix, or any number of other things. You can do anything a committed couple would do, but there is a lack of commitment. This is agreed upon by both parties.

I’m fairly certain most people are keenly aware of what these relationships are, and many have participated in these types of situations themselves. However, I have rarely seen one of these relationships progress to the next level. This seems to come as a surprise to the women involved in them.

Story time. I have a male friend who is involved in one of these relationships. He has a girl come over, hang out, and have sex. They talk pretty frequently, and hang out several times a week. They NEVER hang out and not have sex. This girl makes him home cooked meals. She runs errands with him. She also talks on the phone with him daily, and lets him debrief to her. Basically she does everything a normal girlfriend would do—except she’s not his girlfriend.

Don’t get me wrong, this chick wants to be his girlfriend. She has brought it up to him on several occasions. Each time, he has told her that he doesn’t want that. And each time, she has said she can’t do that, and stops talking to him. Then, usually no more than two weeks later, she contacts him to resume the “relationship”, to which, of course, he obliges. Nothing on his end changes.

This drives me nuts. I want to shake this chick and say, “OMG WAKE UP! There is no way you are this stupid! He has no intention of ever actually dating you, and the second he finds someone he wants to date, you’re gone! Wake the fuck up!”

I would never allow something like that to go on in my own life because, for starters, I would not participate in something like that at this point in my life, and IF I did, it would be with someone I had no actual feelings for. If I developed feelings, at any point, that were unreciprocated, I would get my things and quietly leave. There would be no begging, no trying to convince, and no discussion. I would just leave, lesson learned.

This is an all too common problem for many women my age. They think that enticing a man with sex will eventually lead to a relationship, even though this man has expressly told them he is not interested. Almost any man will accept free sex from any moderately attractive woman—it is in their biological makeup. That’s just how it works. But as a woman, you are supposed to be smarter than this. Your mothers and grandmothers were likely smarter than this. As the old adage goes, “why buy the cow…” You know this deep down, yet you ignore it.

So let me be emphatically clear with you. If a man wants you in his life, as his girlfriend, he will make that happen. He will make you his, because that is also in a man’s nature. No man wants the woman he cares for out there and available for other men to pick up. You will not have to lure him with a FWB relationship.

To you, a FWB situation may seem like a natural progression towards a relationship, but men do not see it the same way. To them, it’s a way of getting no-strings-attached sex until someone comes along that really sparks their interest. So, if you find yourself entertaining the thought of a FWB relationship with a man you hope to become serious with, I’m telling you that this is a terrible idea.

If you truly want to show a man your value, the best possible thing you could do, after he indicates he is not interested in commitment, is to walk away. There is no need to make this a dramatic production. Just simply accept what he is telling you, and walk away politely, with your dignity intact. Do not contact him regardless of how you may feel. Yes, I get it, this is difficult, and I’ve been through it myself. But in the end, you will feel better about yourself. (And, while I am in no way telling you that walking away will make a man question his decision, and come running after you; I am telling you that this is the best card you have left to play.)

If you decide to give in, and offer him a FWB scenario, then that is all you will ever be to him. If a man doesn’t feel strongly about you from the beginning, he is not going to, so stop holding out hope. Go into this situation with your eyes open—know that he will not see you as something valuable, and he will not suddenly change his mind and fall in love with you. It doesn’t work like that for men.

Also, know that while you’re wasting time with a guy who doesn’t see you as having relationship potential, you won’t be available to quality men who may be willing and ready to commit. Not only are you investing time and energy in someone who does not view you like that, but also, the longer you remain in this type of relationship, the more painful the inevitable end will be. And it will all have been worth nothing.

I’m urging you to think about the realities before you engage in this type of relationship. If, after understanding the dynamics of this kind of affair, you decide to engage anyways—well, then you have no one to blame but yourself. You did this to yourself, so I don’t care to hear you complain. That is unbelievably frustrating. You were not an innocent bystander in your demise, and you should most certainly work on your overall perceived self-worth.

Also, for what it’s worth– if you, for some reason, are an outlier, and happen to form a relationship out of a FWB scenario, great. It definitely does happen. But keep this in mind– I will always know, in the back of my mind, that my boyfriend pursued me. I did not beg him. I did not convince him to be with me. I didn’t wear him down over time. He chose to be with me regardless of any outside pressure. If you land a man in this way, you will always know, deep down, that he did not choose you of his own free will. He didn’t initially want to be with you. He did not view you as girlfriend material. Threatening to withdraw sex in order to gain commitment is a fool’s game. If you happen to win, will you really be able to live with yourself, knowing that your boyfriend is only with you due to a manipulation tactic? I know I certainly couldn’t.

At the end of the day, the choice is yours to make. If what you truly desire is a committed relationship, take ownership of that. Settle for nothing less. Do whatever it takes to make yourself into a woman who is relationship worthy and ready. Wanting a relationship is perfectly normal and healthy. It is not something shameful, regardless of what popular magazine publications may teach you. Choose wisely.

fWB

As a side note. I am aware that my opinion may not be a popular one. I also know that feminist propaganda is abundant, and they will tell you these things don’t matter, or shouldn’t matter, or whatever the case may be—but it’s all bullshit. It does matter to men, and since men are the ones you are trying to attract, you should take notice.

One additional thing—if I have to hear about the sexual double standard one more time, I am going to pull my hair out strand by strand. A man having sex with a lot of women is VASTLY different than a woman having sex with a lot of men.

Why? Well, for starters, because a man, even a very attractive one, has difficulty bedding women. Yes, there are playboys, trustfund babies, pro athletes and the like, who have no problem fucking many women. They are the exception. Your everyday hot man has to work hard for each successful lay.

Contrast that with women. I am a woman, and I know that I can go into any bar, any day of the week, and have sex with my choice of men. It’s easy. There’s no challenge. So these two things that sound similar are actually fundamentally different. And I don’t care what your favorite website says.

Feel free to disagree with me—if my feelings were easily hurt, I would not be writing a blog and posting it on the internet.