Nobody Likes a Victim
In high school, I had a teacher that I didn’t quite care for. However, as it goes, this teacher had a piece of valuable information to teach me. I was the only girl in an advanced math class. The boys would harass me; as high school boys do. Not anything serious or aggressive, they were just being teenage boys. They would hide my calculator, take my pencils, and move my stuff around. I’ve always been easy going, and generally good natured, so I just went along with it for a while. (I also had long before adopted a way of dealing with teasing— if you ignore the teasing long enough, it will become boring for the person teasing you. Thanks for the relentless teasing Dad.)
Well, I finally had enough one day, and decided to tell the teacher. I was really whiny about it, and told her what had been happening. I even protested to her, “aren’t you going to do something? I’m the only girl!” (in a whiny, dramatic teenage girl voice). To my shock, she looked up from her desk and said “Well, don’t let them do that. It’s your responsibility. Nobody likes a victim—remember that”.
I learned a valuable lesson that day, and one that I have carried with me throughout my life. Sure, the teacher probably should have made them give me my stuff back, but nevertheless I learned a truth through her that I may not have learned otherwise.
This lesson can be applied to your romantic life as well, and I’ve often applied it in my own. Certainly you’ve heard the quote that goes something like, “dating is really scary. Either you’re going to break up, or you’re going to get married”. That’s pretty true. You’re risking opening your heart up to strangers who can hurt you deeply, based on the chance of finding a good person with whom you can share your life. Dating is one hell of a gamble.
If you date long enough, you will have your heart broken. You will likely be cheated on and betrayed. You will deal with broken trust, and maybe other horrible things. However, you chose to play the game. All you can do is try your best to weed out the assholes. The rest is up to the person in whom you put your trust. That’s precisely what trust is—being vulnerable to someone even though they could break your heart. Sometimes this goes well, and other times it ends in heartache.
When your heart gets broken, something strange happens. People fall into two camps. The first, and most common, thing to happen is to box up your heart, build your walls, and make yourself impenetrable. You will tell future dates that you “have trust issues”, or “don’t let people in easily”. I’ve heard it time after time. And truthfully it’s not sexy at all. It doesn’t make you dark and mysterious, as you think it does. In reality is makes you boring and ordinary.
Let me tell you a secret. Most every adult on the planet has had their heart broken. It happens. It sucks, but it totally happens to everyone. You are not unique in the fact that you trusted someone, and they let you down. Everyone has “trust issues”. It’s human to have “trust issues”, but it’s also kind of given. I assume that every man I date has had someone hurt him.
I hear so many of my friends talk about their “trust issues”—and I call them on it because it’s bullshit. I hear them tell the men they date, “oh you’ll have to be patient. I’ve been hurt”. Fuck that. That’s boring and easy. It’s easy to build walls. It’s easy to shut people out. It’s easy to make yourself hard.
I’m not minimizing your pain. I’ve been through it myself. I’ve been the chick with “trust issues”. I thought it was attractive, but it wasn’t. I thought I was different than other girls, but I wasn’t. Until I adopted a non-victim mentality, I continued reaping the same stupid, dead end relationships
Staying soft is the real feat. Being open, gentle, feminine, and vulnerable is real beauty. Remaining soft after heartache is tremendously difficult, but it is also a breath of fresh air. It’s amazing to meet someone who has the courage to truly open themselves and love.
Do you know how many girls tell man on the first date, “we have to take it slow, I’ve been hurt”, or something to that affect? Most every chick he’s been on a date with. It’s nothing special. It’s ordinary, and comes across and whining. It’s so refreshing to meet someone who takes responsibility for her own life and happiness. That will make you special. That will make you stand out from the crowd.
Stop whining about how things didn’t go your way, or that you were hurt. Of course, if something truly tragic happened in your life, there is definitely a time and a place to share that. If you lost your entire family in a terrible car accident, sharing that does not constitute as whining. What I’m referring to here is sharing with your date that your ex-boyfriend was a douchebag. That is not pertinent whatsoever.
Think about it—which person would you rather spend time with? A person who complains and whines about previous problems and heartbreak? Or someone who owns up to his choices and their consequences? I know who I would rather spend time with. It’s fairly obvious.