The “Friends with Benefits” Trap
Ahhh, the friends with benefits pseudo relationship. It has become a staple of the modern day dating marketplace. You’d be hard pressed to find someone who has not, at one point, participated in this type of relationship. I’m not writing this article to discuss the morality of such arrangements—that has literally nothing to do with me, and is none of my business. What I do want to discuss is how men view these relationships, compared to how women view them, and if this is a beneficial activity to engage in.
First, how is a “friends with benefits”, (or FWB), defined? A FWB relationship is one in which two parties agree to engage in a consensual, sexual relationship, without any form on commitment. The key terms here are sex, and lack of commitment. You may go to the movies, get a bite to eat, hang out and watch Netflix, or any number of other things. You can do anything a committed couple would do, but there is a lack of commitment. This is agreed upon by both parties.
I’m fairly certain most people are keenly aware of what these relationships are, and many have participated in these types of situations themselves. However, I have rarely seen one of these relationships progress to the next level. This seems to come as a surprise to the women involved in them.
Story time. I have a male friend who is involved in one of these relationships. He has a girl come over, hang out, and have sex. They talk pretty frequently, and hang out several times a week. They NEVER hang out and not have sex. This girl makes him home cooked meals. She runs errands with him. She also talks on the phone with him daily, and lets him debrief to her. Basically she does everything a normal girlfriend would do—except she’s not his girlfriend.
Don’t get me wrong, this chick wants to be his girlfriend. She has brought it up to him on several occasions. Each time, he has told her that he doesn’t want that. And each time, she has said she can’t do that, and stops talking to him. Then, usually no more than two weeks later, she contacts him to resume the “relationship”, to which, of course, he obliges. Nothing on his end changes.
This drives me nuts. I want to shake this chick and say, “OMG WAKE UP! There is no way you are this stupid! He has no intention of ever actually dating you, and the second he finds someone he wants to date, you’re gone! Wake the fuck up!”
I would never allow something like that to go on in my own life because, for starters, I would not participate in something like that at this point in my life, and IF I did, it would be with someone I had no actual feelings for. If I developed feelings, at any point, that were unreciprocated, I would get my things and quietly leave. There would be no begging, no trying to convince, and no discussion. I would just leave, lesson learned.
This is an all too common problem for many women my age. They think that enticing a man with sex will eventually lead to a relationship, even though this man has expressly told them he is not interested. Almost any man will accept free sex from any moderately attractive woman—it is in their biological makeup. That’s just how it works. But as a woman, you are supposed to be smarter than this. Your mothers and grandmothers were likely smarter than this. As the old adage goes, “why buy the cow…” You know this deep down, yet you ignore it.
So let me be emphatically clear with you. If a man wants you in his life, as his girlfriend, he will make that happen. He will make you his, because that is also in a man’s nature. No man wants the woman he cares for out there and available for other men to pick up. You will not have to lure him with a FWB relationship.
To you, a FWB situation may seem like a natural progression towards a relationship, but men do not see it the same way. To them, it’s a way of getting no-strings-attached sex until someone comes along that really sparks their interest. So, if you find yourself entertaining the thought of a FWB relationship with a man you hope to become serious with, I’m telling you that this is a terrible idea.
If you truly want to show a man your value, the best possible thing you could do, after he indicates he is not interested in commitment, is to walk away. There is no need to make this a dramatic production. Just simply accept what he is telling you, and walk away politely, with your dignity intact. Do not contact him regardless of how you may feel. Yes, I get it, this is difficult, and I’ve been through it myself. But in the end, you will feel better about yourself. (And, while I am in no way telling you that walking away will make a man question his decision, and come running after you; I am telling you that this is the best card you have left to play.)
If you decide to give in, and offer him a FWB scenario, then that is all you will ever be to him. If a man doesn’t feel strongly about you from the beginning, he is not going to, so stop holding out hope. Go into this situation with your eyes open—know that he will not see you as something valuable, and he will not suddenly change his mind and fall in love with you. It doesn’t work like that for men.
Also, know that while you’re wasting time with a guy who doesn’t see you as having relationship potential, you won’t be available to quality men who may be willing and ready to commit. Not only are you investing time and energy in someone who does not view you like that, but also, the longer you remain in this type of relationship, the more painful the inevitable end will be. And it will all have been worth nothing.
I’m urging you to think about the realities before you engage in this type of relationship. If, after understanding the dynamics of this kind of affair, you decide to engage anyways—well, then you have no one to blame but yourself. You did this to yourself, so I don’t care to hear you complain. That is unbelievably frustrating. You were not an innocent bystander in your demise, and you should most certainly work on your overall perceived self-worth.
Also, for what it’s worth– if you, for some reason, are an outlier, and happen to form a relationship out of a FWB scenario, great. It definitely does happen. But keep this in mind– I will always know, in the back of my mind, that my boyfriend pursued me. I did not beg him. I did not convince him to be with me. I didn’t wear him down over time. He chose to be with me regardless of any outside pressure. If you land a man in this way, you will always know, deep down, that he did not choose you of his own free will. He didn’t initially want to be with you. He did not view you as girlfriend material. Threatening to withdraw sex in order to gain commitment is a fool’s game. If you happen to win, will you really be able to live with yourself, knowing that your boyfriend is only with you due to a manipulation tactic? I know I certainly couldn’t.
At the end of the day, the choice is yours to make. If what you truly desire is a committed relationship, take ownership of that. Settle for nothing less. Do whatever it takes to make yourself into a woman who is relationship worthy and ready. Wanting a relationship is perfectly normal and healthy. It is not something shameful, regardless of what popular magazine publications may teach you. Choose wisely.
As a side note. I am aware that my opinion may not be a popular one. I also know that feminist propaganda is abundant, and they will tell you these things don’t matter, or shouldn’t matter, or whatever the case may be—but it’s all bullshit. It does matter to men, and since men are the ones you are trying to attract, you should take notice.
One additional thing—if I have to hear about the sexual double standard one more time, I am going to pull my hair out strand by strand. A man having sex with a lot of women is VASTLY different than a woman having sex with a lot of men.
Why? Well, for starters, because a man, even a very attractive one, has difficulty bedding women. Yes, there are playboys, trustfund babies, pro athletes and the like, who have no problem fucking many women. They are the exception. Your everyday hot man has to work hard for each successful lay.
Contrast that with women. I am a woman, and I know that I can go into any bar, any day of the week, and have sex with my choice of men. It’s easy. There’s no challenge. So these two things that sound similar are actually fundamentally different. And I don’t care what your favorite website says.
Feel free to disagree with me—if my feelings were easily hurt, I would not be writing a blog and posting it on the internet.